PERCEPTIONS AND EXPERIENCES OF MOTHERHOOD: A STUDY OF BLACK AND WHITE MOTHERS OF DURBAN, SOUTH AFRICA

The article examines responses and experiences of Black and White women – checking on the dynamics of their social, political and cultural lives. Mothers were interviewed and responded to a questionnaire to ascertain their personal opinions, expectations of their communities and mothering choices they finally make. The following questions were posed to the respondents, i.e. enquiring how they play out in the different groups:

Introduction

'Having a baby is a step in an unending series of transformations for women' (Parker, 1997:19). I cannot agree more with this statement as it goes to the heart of my own mothering. This essay has a personal, as well as professional genesis. As a Black South African, before the dawn of the democratic era, apartheid confined me to Black schools, neighbourhoods, friends and socio-cultural orientation. I did not think much about kinds of motherhood other than the one I had been exposed to for the great part of my life – first as a child and later as a mother. That there were other kinds of mothering came as a shock to me when my husband, daughter and I moved in 1997 into a predominantly white neighbourhood. Before moving into the new neighbourhood we had lived in an exclusively Black area, so designated by the apartheid system. My family's reason for the move was twofold; three years had gone pass after the democratic elections and the political climate seemed stable, the ex-white residential areas have better infrastructures and are closer to the cities, and industrial areas.

Two months after the move, we got an invitation to attend our first neighbourhood watch meeting. Our neighbours, all Whites, could not believe that I managed to be in a full-time employment, had a two-year old child and did not have a household helper. Everyone wondered how we coped. I was ultimately advised to consider seeking a half-day job and a maid so that I could have 'time for the child'. In Black communities none of our conditions, outlined above, would have raised eyebrows since our situation was typical ly what obtained in the lives of most people in the community.

Before we moved into the affluent neighbourhood our daughter had been in a Black kindergarten that operated till 1pm and it was normal practice for one of my two neighbours to take her to their home with their children whilst I was still at work. On days when I would be on leave, which never amounted to anything more than five days, I would do the same for them. Most of the time, coming from work I would fetch our daughter from the neighbours when I got home around 4pm. My neighbours acted as mothers in my absence without expecting any payment. Now that we had moved into the new neighbourhood, the mother sharing practice was lost. The feeling of loss was difficult to deal with. It took me a long time to deal with the 'loss' and I actually still miss living in a Black residential area—where mothering is the collective responsibility of the women in the neighbourhood. Now, because we were in a new place we enrolled our daughter in a mainly white school, where she had to stay at the kindergarten till 5 pm. Her long 'absence' from home was not a bitter experience for her only, but for other members of our family as well. When both her grandmothers and great grandmother learnt of her 'staying away' from home for long hours, they arranged to take turns in looking after her and her hours at kindergarten were significantly reduced. The little girl was ultimately mothered by three people, which was much appreciated, but the arrangement could not compensate for the 'loss' of all the mothers in our previous Black neighbourhood. We have since had another daughter and my mothering skills are tested even further as my children have lost their great grand mother and one of their grand mothers.

Then our eldest daughter left kindergarten and moved into a 96% white primary school. I have observed that the school has different perceptions and understanding of school going children. Expectations at the school never cease to amaze me. I have a feeling that my husband and I are ascribed distinct gender parenting roles. Despite the fact that both my husband's and my contact details were furnished to the school's administration office, school fee accounts are addressed to my husband and never to me. He is perceived as the person who should have means of paying school fees not me. More often than not, I personally take the school fees to the office but that does not to seem to matter to the school. The school has perfected gender roles for us. When our daughter is sick or has not been picked up as prearranged, then that is my problem. The school has called my husband in this kind of situation. This comes as a surprise to me because all the Black schools that I went to had different policies than the ones explained above. I remember that it was common to address school accounts to a paying parent. My paradoxical experiences, brought up in a Black community and now living in white community have led me to want to record experiences of both Black and white mothers.

The intention of this essay is to highlight the fact that mothering practices of South African women are shaped by their socio-cultural and political histories hence there are differences in their mothering practices. With the advent of democracy and racial groups not confined to demarcated areas, the study suggest that changes in mothering patterns are likely to occur. However, the study found that one change that seems a bit distant is the significant involvement of fathers in parenting and household duties in both communities.

It is in the spirit of this statement that I conduct research on motherhood and write this essay. Cabral in Mama (1997) reiterates this notion when he calls for a need to put at the centre of African scholarship a critical and dynamic approach to culture, that will take into cognisance that a full understanding of a people can be only achieved by searching for a 'thorough knowledge about them'. The research was conducted with an intention to find out how South African Black and white mothers view their mothering, and whether the manner in which they perceive the practice is in anyway different from each other. This essay also presents mothering commonalities that exist between the two groups.

Methodology

This article is based on research findings with isolated women, all living in the Durban metropolitan area. It was on the basis of frequent contact and informal discussions with the women that the study, which has culminated into this article, was conducted. Principles of feminist research methodologies guided the study. The study was in particular influenced by Bowles and Klein's (1983) discussion on essential principles that a feminist research project need to consider. In line with the authors' recommendations the article presents the women's experiences, understanding, and conceptualisation of their own mothering practices as was communicated to me. For the purpose of this article research was conducted between the months of October and November of 2002 over a seven-week period. During this period, I initially asked forty women to form part of the study. An exclusion criteria was used, women who were not South African citizens and who had not at least lived in the country for 15 years, ten of which had to be during the apartheid regime, were excluded from the sample. The number of years was set as a bench-mark to ensure that women had a good experience of both the old and the new regimes. It is only Zulu first language speaking Blacks who form part of this study, other Black groups who could be residing in Durban were intentionally excluded. For the purpose of this article twelve individual (6 Black and 6 Whites) interviews were conducted and email responses of ten mothers (a short questionnaire was circulated amongst colleagues and friends, 5 respondents from each group) are used as the core empirical data. In addition to the fact that women selected had previously had contact with the research, the focus of the study, sample inclusion, was only on women who have a post high school qualification and willingly availed themselves for interviews and email and/or face to face discussions during the months of October to December. With regard to white mothers, it was not specified that a woman had to be of a particular language group. Names of the respondents I engaged with, as they were promised, will not be divulged

Reflexivity in the Study

Self-reflexivity forms a vital part of this article as I equally record my emotions as well as feelings coupled with reactions of the respondents to the questions posed to them. My subjectivity as a researcher could not be avoided. It did not only play a significant role in the conceptualisation of the study but could not be avoided during the data gathering process. As a working mother who comes from a Black community that was previously disadvantaged by the South African apartheid system I related very well to the respondents' articulated feelings and had a sense that their responses were resonating my own feelings and experiences. Reflexivity in this study meant that I had to acknowledge my knowledge and experiences but equally engage with respondents' stories. Gavin Sullivan notes that it is necessary for a researcher to recognize the impact of language, theories and experiences that co-create a phenomena that is studied. He then urges,

In an attempt to deal consciously with the negative aspects ¹ of reflexivity I would pose a question differently and after a response was given would begin an analysis of a response given by asking, "do you mean .(give my interpretation)". On a couple of occasions respondents would refute my analysis and give an alternative interpretation. This was a strategy for ensuring that as a researcher who share similar experiences I do not only allow my experiences to dominate the discussions.

Although the article examines the two groups it does not however purport to present this in a comparative format. References and conclusions made in this study are only relevant within the parameters of the Durban area and the study does not claim that they are a South African norm for the larger Zulu speaking and white communities. This article emanates from a project ² that is in progress, involving all four racial groups of South Africa. The discussion of this essay to a limited extent derives from observations made during the study period.

Theorising Motherhood

A considerable amount of literature is available on the subject, to mention some; Friedan B (1983), The Second Stage; Hewlett SA (1983), A lesser Life; Matthews G (1987), Just a Housewife; Hollway W and Featherstone B, Mothering and Ambivalence; Walkerdine, V and Lucey, H (1989) Democracy in the Kitchen: Regulating Mothers and Socializing Daughters; Phoenix, A Woollett, A and Lloyd, E (1991) Motherhood: Meanings, Practices and Ideologies; Haningsberg J and Ruddick S (1999), Mother Troubles: Rethinking Contemporary Dilemmas. This list, however, is of the First world authors and contexts (mainly Europe and America). There are very few African scholars that have written on the subject, notably are the works of Ifi Amadiume (1987) Afrikan Matriachal Foundations and Male Daughters, Female Husbands: Gender and Sex in an African Society. It is small wonder that there is a dearth of literature on African motherhood, as even studies about women constitute a more recent area of study.

Much of the available literature on motherhood, i.e., academic literature, pregnancy and childcare guides is not only produced elsewhere than in Africa, but also it lacks an African focus. Having had a baby seven months ago, I have fresh recollections of some of the literature. I read guides, magazines and manuals on parenting and pregnancy. I found that the literature that is available to mothers, both Black and White is ambiguous and contradictory. In one breath it champions itself as flexible stating, 'these facts need not apply to all mothers and babies, babies are different'; on the other hand it is prescriptive, 'you need to know what to do and when to do it so that you can give your baby the best possible start'. These statements can be very confusing for first time mothers in particular and do not say anything about child-bearers who are usually very vulnerable after birth. Sections that are directed to mothers who have had babies have a commercial interest, i.e. are adverts (marketing sanitary pads, stretch marks, nipple creams etc.) and little is on, for instance, postpartum depression and available support systems. Also, the literature is problematic, as the content usually has little to do with African contexts and problems peculiar to Africa. One African mother pointed out that the manuals arrogantly make no reference to the fact that mothering is shared with relatives and neighbours so as to encourage the practice. It is silent on such focus because it lacks knowledge of empirical studies and information available on the subject.

Harriette Marshall's (1991) essay "The Social Constructions of Motherhood: An Analysis of Childcare and Parenting Manuals" theorises notions of good mothering as laid out in literature, exposed to pregnant and nursing mothers, as being irrelevant and unimportant. She decries the fact that manuals read by most mothers during or after pregnancy are mostly written by men and in few instances edited by women. She notes the fallacy propagated by the literature, arguing that it is wrong, it instils in mothers the notion that motherhood is always satisfying and important and describes the childcare process in 'exalted terms'.

The essay adopts the view that socio-cultural constructions of motherhood dominate mothering practices. In line with theories propounded by Phoenix and Woollett (1991) the essay argues that 'psychological constructions of motherhood are underpinned by wider social constructions of motherhood'. This article echoes concerns raised by Valerie Walkerdine and Helen Lucey in their book 'Democracy in the kitchen: regulating Mothers and Socializing Daughters' (1989). The authors note that the mothering practice is transformed by our societies to 'make it appear to be natural' and that people are made to believe that the 'home' is the only best place where the practice can be best fulfilled. They deem the following as myths that lack merit, that is., motherhood is based on the biological theories of bonding; that mothers understand and bond with their girl children, do not prefer brothers and fathers, love girls, cure alienation, take away oppressions and make home a safe place for children; and that mothers are perfect.

On Mothering in South Africa: The Legacy of Apartheid

Race, political history, gender, class, and motherhood are interconnected. The life situations of Black and white mothers are different. The study demonstrated that Black mothers feel the effect of apartheid. This is true even for Black mothers who live in the same area as their white counterparts and possess similar kind of academic training. A 33 year-old Black mother remarked:

It is common for Black families who have the means to put their relatives through education or even provide other basic needs for them like food and clothing. With massive AIDS deaths, which have hit the Black poor communities the hardest 'informal adoptions' are on the increase. Most members of the Black community consider the practice as crucial to bridge the gap that the apartheid government created among races thereby impoverishing a high percentage of Black people. Much of this task is taken by mothers who do not consider themselves as 'mothers' to their biological children only, but who mother other children as well. Such practices are in line with philosophies and principles considered valuable amongst Zulu speaking people. The principles and values are embraced in a philosophy known as ubuntu, loosely translated as humaneness. The philosophy espouses such ideals as: caring for other people, worrying about what happens to other people, and offering practical help, sharing both sorrow and happiness etcetera. The practice of 'adopting' destitute members of family ³ hardly happens in white families. White people by the virtue of their race were given decent education loans and scholarships. The fact that such opportunities were only open to a few people of a particular race is the reason why mothers are not on par today. This is the reason why most white than Black mothers can afford to stay at home with their young children and be full time mothers. The study also show that more white than Black married women do not have to be full time working mothers as their husbands are in good paying jobs. They hold such kinds of jobs because of education and business opportunities that were only open to the whites in the apartheid era. In the South African context, it is therefore necessary that motherhood analysis take into consideration that race, socio-economic situations and the role of apartheid affect mothering practices.

Due to either their non-working or half-day working statuses, most white mothers are more involved in their children's school activities. Most activities take place during working hours when most Black mothers ⁴ are at work. Some activities take place in the evenings rendering traveling to schools difficult, as most Black mothers cannot afford to buy cars to get to the schools. To an uncritical eye this portrays Black mothers as not interested in their children's schooling. It is going to take a while for Black mothers to reach the level of economic/ material development that white mothers enjoy. Following Riley, 1983 and Weedon, 1987, Harriet Marshall challenges established ideologies on mothering pointing out that 'most (mothering) notions are the product of the social, historical and political contexts' (Marshall, 1991:66).

Socio-Cultural Expectations and Pressures

Dagenais in Sow (1997) notes that cultures fashion the way of being, thinking and behaving and go in accordance with norms that vary. One White mother who is well off but opted to join the job market noted:

Within the Black community it was found that working mothers, no matter what circumstances have driven them into the working market are often held responsible for anything that befalls their children. One woman had to close her sewing school and lost all her sewing equipment and other assets. She was required to stay at home after her teenage son committed suicide. Her husband and his family felt that the incidence could have been avoided had she been a housewife and a full time mother. Such attitudes towards mothers often lead to mother bashing. This is a clear instance that demonstrate that societal expectations on mothers fail to take into account the changing statuses of mothers and different environments that mothers find themselves.

Mother bashing: Mothers are seen to have the responsibility of ensuring that their children 'turn out right' (Hardyment in Phoenix & Woolett, 1991). Mothers of both groups who are viewed as putting their needs first are called names—they are considered reckless, irresponsible, and evil. Circumstances that make mothers fail in their 'mothering duty' are hardly ever looked into. In the Black community, in particular, poverty, violence and lack of support do form part of reasons why mothers fail in the practice of mothering. One black woman told me that when her sixteen year-old daughter got pregnant her husband blamed her for the pregnancy maintaining that she failed his daughter by not teaching her good morals. During the girl's pregnancy, as a form of punishment the mother was prevented from cooking for her husband.

For white mothers the challenge is a bit different and the lashing takes a different form. Children's needs are put above mother's needs. A 29 year-old mother of three small children alluded that the community, in a subtle way expects more from a mother than a father, remarking:

Abused Children: As cases of abused children are reported daily in South Africa – in the media it is always mothers who are blamed alongside the perpetrators. Accusations levelled against mothers include such statements, 'mothers should equally be on guard', 'where was the mother when all this happened' or 'the police will need to take drastic steps against drinking mothers'. Unwritten cultural laws find mothers at fault and pardon perpetrators before they are tried for their offences. Such reports perpetuate the stereotype that child-care is the sole responsibility of a mother. In an effort to find acceptance in one's community, a mother may heed to the inherent pressures and stereotypes. The stereotypes are normally used to formulate norms and standards for mothering. In some communities, for instance the one discussed by Nina Perales, courts and lawyers may even be used as a "cultural defence". Nina reports on a Mexican 14 year-old girl residing in the USA whom the court found fitting to be cohabiting and impregnated by an older Mexican man, Pedro. The court claimed that such a practice is normal for Mexicans arguing, 'it is common for girls as young as thirteen to marry older men" (Perales, 1999:83). A national US television programme went to an extent of documenting Pedro's fellow villagers' comments. The villagers viewed Pedro as "an innocent player in a big cultural misunderstanding."

Commonalities: The general South African culture fashions a way of being, thinking and behaving that is more beneficial to men. It has been demonstrated that there are differences in South African women's experiences but the study found that there are similarities between women taken as a group and men taken as a group. Mother bashing is an instance of this culture. Also, men of both groups, whether their partners are in full time employment or not, are not as equally involved as their female partners with children.

There is a generally held view that all mothers have to be fulfilled with the mothering practice. This is evidence of women's suppression to a lesser or greater degree. Such expectations render them to be the the hardest-worked in of South Africans households. Children are identified with their mothers. There is a normative component of associating child-care with women. At lower levels of education when children are still a huge responsibility, teachers are women who are often mothers. These women take up the said positions due to a general belief that women handle children better than men. Notions about these positions endorse stereotypical beliefs that children are the responsibility of women. There is a general fallacy that motherhood is rewarding for all mothers but is not an employment. Women are made to believe the myth. One woman pointed out that although she works hard in mothering her children, she is not too worried that rewards are not tangible: "Seeing children play, being healthy and happy is in itself rewarding. You get a feeling of . job well done''. Whilst most of men's work is limited to the 'outside' of the home, e.g. running a business, formal corporate employment and civil service work, women's work should be mothering and household chores.

Pertinent Differences

The study found that both groups had significant differences. African mothers have more support than their counterparts. The mothering duty is considered a communal practice. There is a good support system (mothers, sisters and grandmothers) are often at reach to offer help. It is not uncommon for the mothering duty to be shared amongst three people. This is however, gradually changing for middle-class mothers who live in multiracial neighbourhoods. So is the notion that 'every adult woman in the community is understood to be a mother to every child of that community'. The fact that African families are not likely to migrate is an added advantage to the mothers. A woman who has given birth receives maximum support from her women relatives. It is common practice for a woman who has given birth to stay with her biological mother for at least a month or two after the baby's birth. This assures mothers of the necessary support whilst they are still vulnerable.

Equally there are definite downsides to African mothering; there are negative attitudes towards who opt for single motherhood. Deciding to be a single mother costs one dignity in the African community irrespective of whether the decision is taken consciously and by a mature woman. Siphokazi Koyana in her essay on Sindiwe Magona's autobiography notes that single mothers find their socio-cultural environments 'stifling' and quotes the author's observation:

Men's involvement is very minimal in most families. It is common as Mama observes (1991:79) for men to 'appropriate and interpret African traditions and culture in selective ways that enhance their power and authority. The Zulu language, ⁵ in particular documents this in a number of its oral culture. ⁶ Parenting is mothering in this society, a women's 'specialisation' and a 'no go area' for men.

Ifi Amadiume in her book "Afrikan Matriachal Foundations" demonstrates, using an Igbo case, that the whole of Africa once enjoyed 'matrifocality'. She maintains that women in African societies played an indispensable role in the domestic arrangement and economic spheres, pointing out:

It is however, sad to note that in the South African Black society there are minimal traces of the importance of women, and the value of the work that they do alluded to by Amadiume. The fact that the mothering work done by women is not easily measurable in economic terms renders their labouring invisible and devalued.

The mother's 'God ordained' power of breastfeeding fails to secure mothers a better status. In public places I have observed with irony that the mother's 'breast power' becomes a tool to ridicule and belittle her. It is common to find, men unknown to the mother who has a crying baby to scorn her with these words: 'woman stop a man's baby from crying, suckle the baby'. A similar attitude may be found in other parts of Africa. Ife (1987a) discusses power that women of northern Igbo society are believed to possess, an Oma spirit, 'objectified in the form of a small rounded conical clay mound, a symbol of authority that can 'evoke associations of maternal indulgence and loving filial dependence'. However, this very symbol is also believed to be 'a mother's spiritual power that can make her children sick, barren or impotent' (Henderson, in Amadiume 1987a: 20). These are instances of male egos that fail to give full credit to powers that women have, thereby downplaying the incredible powers by women bashing.

Views held about women and mothers vary. What Amadiume (1987b) notes of the women of the Nigerian Nnobi society holds true of conceptions held about Zulu speaking women of South Africa, i.e. 'women are thought of as having inherited the gift of hard work'. A 36 year-old Zulu speaking married ⁷ woman who, often times experience effects of such thinking ⁸ refer to the 'hard work' as a 'curse' for her personally. The woman's 'supposed strength' is extended beyond her children She is expected to mother her own off-springs, if she is married - her husband and his people as well as people sick or healthy who pay her home visits. She carries these duties to please 'her masters', and cannot object as she is a possessed object. Amadiume notes that it is common amongst African society for a woman to be viewed as belonging to a male figure for the most part of her life, from being asked 'whose daughter is she?' questions graduate to 'whose wife is she?' In the Zulu society such questions cease to be asked when the woman reaches old age. As an elderly she then acquires a new status that even surpass statuses given to men, i.e. a 'living' ancestor. The whole clan revere her so much that they ask for her blessings before performing any ceremonies. It is common for young people to inform her before undertaking long trips, attending tertiary education and even deciding on life partners. This status is selective. The status however, is not given to unmarried women and mothers who are perceived as having a potential for moral weakness.

One feature that was found with Black mothers is that mothering never ends for African women. It is not uncommon for mothers to stay with their grown up children who would be staying on their own had they been members of a different culture.

In white families, child rearing and contact is a private affair. There is less support from the extended family members who are often scattered all over the world. Most white mothers who have children who are in primary schools are full time mothers who enjoy an apartheid-born privilege of hiring a black household helper (often a woman). Hiring a black servant is a norm in White families. This is not the case with most black mothers. It is only a handful of middle-class Black mothers who can afford a similar luxury. Like their White counterparts they enjoy the privilege of having a household help. Most Black mothers who are full time mothers cannot afford the luxury of securing for themselves services of maids due to financial constraints. Most become full time mothers because they cannot find employment anywhere.

Working Mothers

Women who choose to both work and mother feel they lose out on both. They are neither good at both nor are they commended for doing both jobs. This is a feeling that they arrive at due to endless expectations and demands upon them. As career women they are expected to be good mothers as well. Christina Hardyment (1994) refers to this kind of demand on women in an article 'The Domestic Mystique'. Carol Sanger (1999:114) develops this argument in 'Leaving Children for Work' wherein she calls for the protection of mothers through legislative policies that will assist in 'securing for mothers the harmony between profitable work and peace of mind'. This, she posits, will require that the responsibility of caring for children ceases to be 'an exclusive maternal assignment' if mothers are to enjoy the complex satisfaction of children and work.

Sanger (1999:101) observes, 'mothers who choose to leave children for any but compelling reasons are understood to have elevated their own needs and desires above those of their children'. Even with mothers who are full time at their mothering jobs there are times that require them to leave their children at the care of other people. These mothers are made to feel guilty for leaving their children, either by their partners, family relatives or the community they live in. To this end Carol Sanger proposes that mothers who opt to leave their children and pursue careers could be considered as adults who have made a choice that forms part of a maternal practice. She points out that the commonly held view; 'mothers harm children if they leave them for work' has little to do with actual maternal practice or with what is known about developmental outcomes for children in childcare. Some of the mothers interviewed viewed their 'leaving children for work' as ultimately beneficial for their kids pointing out that securing a job in turn maximizes chances of securing their children's future.

Studies⁹ done and referred to by Sandra Scarr and Judy Dunn note that children thrive on good parental care rather than on "all-time mothering",

The study found that working mothers also spend as much time with their children as mothers who stay at home. They also interact well with their children.

Motherhood, a Gendered Practice

Mothers like everyone else wish to achieve things in life and be the best they can be. This yearning is often not acknowledged. The study found that parenting and mothering are not separated easily between the two groups. Most families in the Black community in particular, view the act of parenting as the sole responsibility of women. Findings in both communities reveal that unlike men, most women find that mothering/ parenting constitutes a huge proportion of their lives and always think of their children much of their waking hours. Mothers, not fathers do things and spend more time with their children. Mothers interviewed confirm that parenting is still largely gendered. Today, fathers are more involved with their children much more than a few decades ago, however, their involvement is still minimal and only in duties that do not 'dirty' their hands. Ann Phoenix and Anne Woollett's (1991) observation holds true of most fathers in South Africa that is, 'men are more able to opt out or remain removed from childcare and to justify it on the grounds that good fathers need only provide material resources'. The authors refer to this cultural attitude as an 'idealized mothering' arguing that it,

Hardyment in (ibid, 05) concludes, 'most mothers are, in effect, single parents' though married.

General Findings on Working Mothers

All mothers pointed out the fact that there are revered ideas on 'how & how not to mother' in their communities, which do not particularly tally with their personal views. For many mothers, societal constructions of what constitute 'good' mothering is in contrast with the reality of motherhood. Most mothers who are well off (husband earning enough to sustain the family) still feel they need to work for self-fulfilment. Only three mothers (2 White and 1 Black) did not feel guilty for being conceived as 'caring less' for their children maintaining that they do find time to make up for their 'absence'. Seven Black mothers confessed that 'being away' at work is a break from caring for children full time. Working mothers of both race groups view the choice of working and mothering as the best option. They maintain that working boosts self- esteem and can in turn be beneficial to the mothering practice.

Contrary to what writers like Catherine Obianuju Acholonu¹⁰ maintain, that African mothers love unconditionally and embrace motherhood the study found that 98% of the Black mothers interviewed do not believe that the mothering responsibility is sacred and enjoyable at all cost. Only two women from both groups alluded to having had some experiences of ambivalence at some point in their mothering.

On Ambivalence

For contemporary women suppressive and inhibiting aspects of the ideology of motherhood are prominent in their lives. Hanigsberg and Ruddick's view (1987b: 166) projects women as subsequently viewing themselves as having no option but to comply with all responsibilities associated with parenting. Given the 98% (20 in total) of mothers who do not regard their duties as a 'divine appropriated bed of roses' for them, the study attempted to solicit mothers' views on a possibility of periodical 'hate' that they may have experienced towards their children. Most mothers shy away from thinking and discussing the fact that motherhood can have 'hate' as part of its whole. In one response a Black mother exemplify this:

It was common to find mothers who do not want to talk let alone think about things that they are not happy about in their mothering. Societal constructions about 'unconditional love' for mothers are indeed entrenched in the minds of most mothers. Failing to accept the fact that mothering is not as glamorous as it is portrayed is delaying an urgent activism of dealing with patriarchal conceptualization and dogma of what mothering is about. As demonstrated above it is a 'brain-washing' movement that is intent on maintaining the status quo of fathers as 'spectators' in parental care duties.

A couple of times when I raise¹¹ the issue that parenting has sides to it that are ambiguous, I am accused of taking mothering too serious, trying to be a white person and even not appreciating the fact that I am not barren. One male colleague contended, 'you should be appreciative of the fact that you are a full woman who has been blessed with having your own children and stop imagining things'.

Conclusion

This discussion has raised significant issues about mothers and mothering. It has demonstrated that mothering is not only about children but also the mothers who are involved in the actual practice. The study revealed that there is a contradiction between what societies expect (which is largely defined in patriarchal terms) of child rearing and parenting and what the mothers themselves can do. Mothers expressed concern that their conceived failures are defined by people who do not have a first hand experience of what it means to be a mother and that definitions provided are not provided by the mothers themselves.

Another crucial theme in this essay is that of an awareness of inequalities that have a direct bearing on mothering practices. Although motherhood for all mothers is hard work, mothers' cultural and historical background as well as current environment affect their style of mothering. Also, beliefs and cultural constructions have a bearing on how mothers mother. It is an unfortunate fact that current ideas about mothering are shaped by patriarchal ideologies. Such ideologies include the notion that in order for children to turn out to be good citizens a mother ought to be a good mother, good role model, attend to their spiritual needs and present a good relationship with her children and family. This is rooted in a fantasy that mothering well also constitutes being with the children all their waking moments. There is a need for the society to realise that the manner in which motherhood and mothering are perceived, places an enormous, 'next to impossible' responsibility on mothers.

Motherhood is a huge responsibility, in particular that is shouldered extensively by mothers. It is mothers who primarily care for children. This essay has also documented that the meaning of motherhood gradually changes, being impacted by conditions and the environment in which mothers find themselves. Discussions on motherhood also need to interrogate socio-cultural, economic and political contexts as well as mothers' specific needs. Feminist scholarship has been criticised (Freely in Featherstone, 1997) for being more concerned with women in general, failing to pay particular attention to the fact that some women are mothers, and thus have specific needs of their own. This essay has made a conscious effort to present the perceptions of the South African mothers studied. The study has identified the following as the need of mothers: first, fathers need to be involved in parenting, and, society must be receptive to the opinions of mothers on the challenges of motherhood. The research also found that it is counterproductive to lash out at mothers and blame them for society's failures.This stance does no one any good but instead raise levels of stress in mothers, breed confrontations all of which do not serve children's needs. According to Featherstone,

Mothers, as individuals have needs of their own which may not be related to their mothering or those of the children they have to mother. Negative feelings such as anger, hate, violence, etcneed to be acknowledged as forming part of the mothering process. As mothering is a demanding duty it is essential that mothers are not left alone in carrying out the task. There is a need to distribute mothering among many people (Hanigsberg and Ruddick, 1999). We need to move away from the entrenched unwritten ruling that the mother is the crucial omnipotent, superhuman figure.

To conclude I refer to a study on motherhood and marriage by Nora Tager (1991), which points out that there is a need to legislate and protect mothers in the private sphere from physical and mental abuse. I wish to add that when such a legislation come into existence, that it be extended, difficult as it may be, to include protection for mothers in the practice of parenting.

References

Acholonu, CO (1995) Motherism: The Afrocentric Alternative to Feminism, Owerri: Afa Publications.

Amadiume, I (1987) Afrikan Matriachal Foundations: The Igbo Case, London: Karnak House.

———-. (1987) Male Daughters, Female Husbands: Gender and Sex in an African Society, London: Zed Books.

Bowles, G. and Klein, RD (eds.), (1983) Theories of Women's Studies, London: (Routledge & Kegan Paul

Coward R, (1997) "The Heaven and Hell of Mothering: Mothering and Ambivalence in the Mass Media" in Holloway, W and Featherstone, B (eds.), Mothering and Ambivalence, London & New York: Routledge.

Featherstone, B (1997) "Crisis in the Western Family" in Holloway, W and Featherstone, B (eds.), Mothering and Ambivalence, London & New York: Routledge.

Haningsberg, J & Ruddick S (eds.) (1999), Mother Troubles: Rethinking Contemporary Dilemmas, Boston: Beacon Press.

Hollway, W and Featherstone, B (eds.), Mothering and Ambivalence, London and NewYork: Routledge.

Koyana, S (2001) 'Womanism and nation-building in Sindiwe Magona's Autobiographies' in Agenda, 50, 64-70.

Mama, A (1997) Shedding the Masks and Tearing the Veils in Imam A, Mama, A & Sow, F (eds.) Engendering African Social Sciences, Dakar: CODESRIA.

Marshall, H (1991) "The Social Construction of Motherhood: An Analysis of Childcare and Parenting Manuals" in Phoenix, A, Woollett, A and Lloyd, E (1991) (eds.) Motherhood: Meanings, Practices and Ideologies, London: Sage Publications.

Parker, R (1997) "The Production and Purpose of Maternal Ambivalence" in Hollway, W and Featherstone, B (eds.), Mothering and Ambivalence, London and New York: Routlegde.

Perales, N (1999) "Cultural Stereotypes and the Legal Response to Pregnant Teens" in Phoenix, A, Woollett, A and Lloyd, E (1991) (eds.) Motherhood: Meanings, Practices and Ideologies, London: Sage Publications.

Haningsberg, J & Ruddick S (eds.) (1999), Mother Troubles: Rethinking Contemporary Dilemmas, Boston: Beacon Press.

Phoenix, A Woollett, A and Lloyd, E (1991) (eds.) Motherhood: Meanings, Practices and Ideologies, London: Sage Publications.

Sanger, C (1999), "Leaving Children for Work" in Haningsberg, Julia & Ruddick Sarah (eds.) (1999), Mother Troubles: Rethinking Contemporary Dilemmas, Boston: Beacon Press

Scarr, S & Dunn, J (1987) Mother Care/ Other Care: The Child-Care Dilemma for Women and Children, Middlesex: Penguin Books.

Sow, F (1997) "The Social Sciences in Africa and Gender Analysis" in Imam A, Mama, A & Sow, F (eds.) Engendering African Social Sciences, Dakar: CODESRIA.

Sullivan, GV (2002 September) Reflexivity and Subjectivity in Qualitative Research: The Utility of a Wittgensteinian Framework [29 paragraphs]. Forum Qualitative Sozialforschung / Forum: Qualitative Social Research [Online Journal], 3(3). Available at: http://www.qualitative-research.net/fqs-texte/3-02/0-02sullivan-e.htm [January 15, 2003].

Tager, N (1991) "Motherhood, Marriage and Career: Some Liberal Feminist and Some Ultra Orthodox Jewish Views", unpublished thesis, Durban: University of Natal.

Walkerdine, V and Lucey, H (1989) Democracy in the Kitchen: Regulating Mothers and Socializing Daughters, London: Virago Press.


	There is a Zulu proverb that goes Intandane enhle ekhothwa ngunina; literally meaning a good orphan is one that is licked by the mother. By "good" here is meant "one that is in better circumstances" It is well known that mothers are more tender and sympathetic towards their children. Fathers are, as a rule, more hard-hearted. A mother is capable of making great sacrifices for the welfare of her children, whereas a father may not care so much. Thus a child without a father is generally in better circumstances than a child without a mother. (Nyembezi, 1990:142- 143).


	Married women are expected to perform 'makoti' (married woman) duties for their in-law family. These duties are also referred to as 'mother duties'. In most cases such duties do not end with the husband's family but the whole extended family, would expect women to do heavy duties, e.g. preparing food and cleaning up for huge crowds who get invited to traditional ceremonial gatherings.


	The authors make reference to a large-scale study of things that mothers (working and non-working), do at home with their children. Details of the studies are found in Hoffman, 1983; Ziegler, 1983 and Tizard & Hughes, 1984 (quoted by the authors). The studies 'showed that employed women spent as much time as nonworking women in interacting with their children. Although these were done in northern countries they do relate to the findings of the South African study.


	She regards herself as a black feminist speaking on behalf of Black women. In her book 'Motherism: The Afrocentric Alternative to Feminism' she presents the manner in which motherhood for African women is different, which is a perception that is considered by some Black women as a perception that endorses African mother oppression.


	This has happened with my students, female relatives and colleagues since my nine year-old daughter was a toddler. Years later, reading more on mothering led me to the literature that confirmed that 'contradictory' feelings are a reality with mothering. The fact that this kind of literature has been largely produced elsewhere other than in Africa does not alter moments or the fact that I do experience the feeling at times. Literature referred to here include in particular are essays in 'Mothering and Ambivalence', edited by Wendy Hollway and Brid Featherstone (1997). Notably, is Rozsika Parker's essay 'The production and Purpose of Maternal Ambivalence'. She rightly notes that failure to acknowledge the reality of maternal ambivalence does not only suppress maternal creativity, and induces maternal guilt but also blocks and impoverish public debates about mothers, mothering and children. I concur and relate to Parker's statement 'maternal ambivalence is curiously hard to believe' but maintain that discussions about the feeling are long overdue in African communities. For further reading, with practical friendly referenced case studies, refer to Ros Coward's essay 'The Heaven and Hell of Mothering: Mothering and Ambivalence in the Mass Me'. Ros problematises the existence of 'evil' and 'innocence' in mothering practices, alluding to the fact that the paradox signifies that motherhood is difficult; 'the feminism in the 1970s may have been wrong to present motherhood as all hell; but it's not all heaven either' (Coward, 1997:118).

Jenda: A Journal of Culture and African Women Studies (2003)

ISSN: 1530-5686